“Stuff I Tell My Therapist”

Email Six: 27 February 2022, 22:14

(no subject)

I have been thinking about my death and how people around me will just move on after I die.

I feel that I have not influenced their lives enough for them to even miss me. Either that, or I have made their lives a little worse by existing and me “disapearing” will make their lives better.

One will find a better partner and realise that I wasn’t a good choice to begin with. Others will be rid of the burden of a “needy” or “moody” friend or sister. I imagine their conversations about me, how they shared so many bad experiences with me, and how they are loving life now that they don’t have to worry about me anymore. I know I’ll be dead and won’t see it or feel anything, but that thought makes me feel sad and like I am a failer already.

On the other hand, I feel yes, I might not be the perfect friend, sister, or daughter but maybe someone out there thinks I’m the best thing that could happen to them. But I don’t know if I’ll ever meet that person. I also don’t think I deserve that person.

Who Knew?!

Write a letter to your 100-year-old self.

Dear Self

First of all, I am surprised you made it this far.

Frankly, I doubt that staying alive this long was really your choice. At this age maybe you are incapacitated and maybe some of your requests and wishes have not been respected.

Anyway, if you did choose this, why?

What on earth made you change your mind? Who or what convinced you that life is worth living? Are you satisfied with how things turned out? Did you end up having a good and healthy relationship with someone, and how did you contribute to that relationship?

What do you enjoy doing? Did you find meaningful work or something that you are good at? Did you learn to accept yourself the way you are, or did you succeed in improving yourself?

Are you truly happy?

“Stuff I tell My Therapist”

Email five: 26 February 2022, 00:44

I am so lonely

I’ve never had a problem with being alone growing up,  I’ve always had to take care of myself. I don’t know why I feel more alone now than ever before. I feel as if no one understands me. 

Am I being too selfish thinking like this?

“Stuff I tell My Therapist”

Email four: 26 January 2022, 09:19

(no subject)

I tried to drink it away
I tried to put one in the air
I tried to dance it away
I tried to change it with my hair

I ran my credit card bill up
Thought a new dress make it better
I tried to work it away
But that just made me even sadder

I tried to keep myself busy
I ran around circles
Think I made myself dizzy
I slept it away, I sexed it away
I read it away

Away, away, away, away, away, away
Away, away, away, away, away

Well, it’s like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds
Yeah, it’s like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds

I tried to run it away
Thought then my head be feeling clearer
I traveled 70 states
Thought moving ’round make me feel better

I tried to let go my lover
Thought if I was alone then maybe I could recover
To write it away or cry it away (don’t you cry, baby)
Away

Away, away, away, away, away
Away, away, away, away, away

But it’s like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds
Yeah, it’s like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds

“Stuff I Tell My Therapist “

Email three : 25 January 2022, 16:11

Hi Dr Jane

Here is something random I just thought about.

In high school, when all the adolescent girls were bringing pocket-sized mirrors to school, I never did. It wasn’t because I wasn’t interested, I really wanted to. It was because I hated my reflection. I even avoided all reflective surfaces like windows. All my friends would take the opportunity to fix themselves on car reflections and glass doors and I would feel so embarrassed when I saw my hideous face next to theirs.

I am still not used to seeing myself in the mirror, and gaining weight hasn’t made things any easier.

Depressed Patient no.55

“Stuff I Tell My Therapist”

Email two: 24 January 2022, 23:30

Jane

I don’t know what a loving relationship is supposed to feel like. Maybe my expectations for how our relationship is supposed to be are unrealistic.

But aren’t we supposed to be free to talk to each other about anything? I feel like I can’t be honest with my partner at all. I am afraid  he will judge me as he always does.

I want to be myself around Nohim but whenever I do, I get judged or my motives get questioned. I can’t live like this. 

Is it possible that choosing to be with this person was a mistake? 

Maybe we are not compatible. 

It makes me extremely anxious to see him angry or disappointed in me.

To be honest I didn’t get into a relationship with him because I fell in love- I’m still not sure what that feels like- I got with him because I felt like I wasn’t worthy of someone else (someone better). I said to myself; “well, at least someone wants me” 

It was a stupid decision, I know. And I regret it especially when I see couples who seem to be “truly in love”.

I feel like I ruined his chance of being happy with someone who would be compatible with him and would make him happy. 

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I am afraid of being unwanted by others if I decide to leave him.  

Please don’t judge me, I already have to deal with that at home.

Depressed Patient no. 55

New series: “Stuff I Tell My Therapist”

A series of e-mails I have sent to my therapist over the past year. Some names have been censored or changed.

Disclaimer: Everything is true, except for the parts that are completely made up! Proceed with caution! 😅

Email one: 21 Jan 2022, 06:50 am

Hi Dr. Jane Doe

Hope you are well.

I apologise for not opening up as much on our session, it was the first time I have ever gotten a chance to speak about my feelings with anyone. I promise to so better next time.

These are the lyrics of a song called “surface pressure” from a new Disney movie. I relate so much to the song. I hope it helps you get a better understanding of how I feel. I promise to open up more next time.

I’m the strong one, I’m not nervous

I’m as tough as the crust of the earth is
I move mountains, I move churches
And I glow ’cause I know what my worth is

I don’t ask how hard the work is
Got a rough indestructible surface
Diamonds and platinum, I find ’em, I flatten ’em
I take what I’m handed, I break what’s demanding
But

Under the surface
I feel berserk as a tightrope walker in a three-ring circus
Under the surface
Was Hercules ever like “Yo, I don’t wanna fight Cerberus”?
Under the surface
I’m pretty sure I’m worthless if I can’t be of service

A flaw or a crack
The straw in the stack
That breaks the camel’s back
What breaks the camel’s back it’s

Pressure like a drip, drip, drip that’ll never stop, whoa
Pressure that’ll tip, tip, tip ’till you just go pop, whoa
Give it to your sister, your sister’s older
Give her all the heavy things we can’t shoulder
Who am I if I can’t run with the ball?
If I fall to

Pressure like a grip, grip, grip and it won’t let go, whoa
Pressure like a tick, tick, tick ’til it’s ready to blow, whoa
Give it to your sister, your sister’s stronger
See if she can hang on a little longer
Who am I if I can’t carry it all?
If I falter

Under the surface
I hide my nerves, and it worsens, I worry something is gonna hurt us
Under the surface
The ship doesn’t swerve as it heard how big the iceberg is
Under the surface
I think about my purpose, can I somehow preserve this?

Line up the dominoes
A light wind blows
You try to stop it tumbling
But on and on it goes

But wait
If I could shake the crushing weight of expectations
Would that free some room up for joy
Or relaxation, or simple pleasure?
Instead we measure this growing pressure
Keeps growing, keep going
‘Cause all we know is

Pressure like a drip, drip, drip that’ll never stop, whoa
Pressure that’ll tip, tip, tip ’til you just go pop, whoa-oh-oh
Give it to your sister, it doesn’t hurt
And see if she can handle every family burden
Watch as she buckles and bends but never breaks
No mistakes just

Pressure like a grip, grip, grip and it won’t let go, whoa
Pressure like a tick, tick, tick ’til it’s ready to blow, whoa
Give it to your sister and never wonder
If the same pressure would’ve pulled you under
Who am I if I don’t have what it takes?
No cracks, no breaks
No mistakes, no pressure

Yours kindly

Depressed Patient no. 55

“The Most Hated boy in the World”

I thought I should share a draft of the first chapter of a novel I’m currently working on, about a young boy who faces abuse from the people he trusts the most- his family. It is based on true events. The title is as above mentioned.

Please feel free to leave comments and suggestions.

Chapter one – “To the bone”

As he searches for warmth in the depths of his pockets with his diminutive hands, a bitterly cold breeze violently slaps him across the face. The weather has been particularly unforgiving this week, and today is no exception. It’s a damp foggy Thursday morning and The silhouettes of the people walking in front and beside him slowly diminish and disappear into the mist. Young and old bodies strut by trying to catch up to the morning rush

Another one of the wind’s companions gives it a go, blow by blow the winds attack as to taunt him, knowing he doesn’t stand a chance against them. One more surge of cold air pierces straight into his eyes, forcing them shut.
A tear begins to fall down his frozen cheek, followed by another and another, tears start to flow like a flooded river during raining season.
He gives out a heavy sigh that seems to fall out of his mouth and warms up the cold air surrounding his face.

He wipes the tears on his face as quickly as he can and throws his hands back into his thin grey trouser pockets. He clenches his fists to trap the little warmth in his hands preventing it from escaping. It doesn’t help that his school uniform is made from horribly rangy fabric. The hefty sack on his back is not making the journey to school any easier either.

Anyway, it will all be worth it once he gets there. He enjoys school and loves to learn. The classroom is his sanctuary. It helps him forget about all his troubles…

…

“The Deluge”

A large ocean surrounds me
A deep void of darkness is inside me
Waves of doubt crash against my face
Im losing what’s left of my little faith

I’m overwhelmed

My head above the water
Trying to keep afloat
Screaming out for help
I feel the waters tightly gripping my throat

I’m overwhelmed

Sinking deeper and deeper
My limbs are getting weaker
How long will I survive
Before I lose my will to stay alive?

I’m overwhelmed

My body becomes heavier
My heart emptier
I freeze in motion and accept my fate
The ocean floor is my destination
And I will not be late.

Book review; After: The Shock (book #1 in the AFTER series) by Scott Nicholson

It has been a week after a solar flare hit the entire planet, killing half the world’s population, and disrupting power grids, internet connections, communication devices, and transport systems. Most survivors have become violent mutants called Zapheads, and the remaining normal humans are left navigating in a civilization that has been brought back into the dark ages.

The protagonist Rachel Wheeler affectionately known as Ray Ray is a God-fearing young woman from Charlotte North Carolina, who believes that everything happens for a reason and that the apocalypse is possibly a test from God. She has lost her entire family and friends but has been successful in surviving on her own so far.

Along the way, she meets a black street-smart young man named Devontay and a 10-year-old orphaned boy named Stephen. The three of them make an odd trio, but they grow very fond of each other while trying to find a safe place to hide and survive. However, It turns out that the mutants are not their only enemy.

Even though After: The Shock is a post-apocalyptic thriller with violence as one of its themes, the author Scott Nicholson cleverly touched on some sensitive issues such as suicide, addiction, guilt, religion, and the meaning of life, in a humorous way which I appreciated and enjoyed. The ending lays a solid foundation for the next book in the series After: The Echo which I am looking forward to reading.

This story opened my eyes to how differently humans experience life depending on their backgrounds and beliefs. I saw how facing difficult situations can test one’s morality, and the most important lesson I’ve learned is that even after we lose everything materially, what will always remain is that which makes us human; faith, love, and hope.

I’m giving this book a rating of 4 stars out of 5. An overall great read.