“Stuff I tell My Therapist”

Email four: 26 January 2022, 09:19

(no subject)

I tried to drink it away
I tried to put one in the air
I tried to dance it away
I tried to change it with my hair

I ran my credit card bill up
Thought a new dress make it better
I tried to work it away
But that just made me even sadder

I tried to keep myself busy
I ran around circles
Think I made myself dizzy
I slept it away, I sexed it away
I read it away

Away, away, away, away, away, away
Away, away, away, away, away

Well, it’s like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds
Yeah, it’s like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds

I tried to run it away
Thought then my head be feeling clearer
I traveled 70 states
Thought moving ’round make me feel better

I tried to let go my lover
Thought if I was alone then maybe I could recover
To write it away or cry it away (don’t you cry, baby)
Away

Away, away, away, away, away
Away, away, away, away, away

But it’s like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds
Yeah, it’s like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds

“The Most Hated boy in the World”

I thought I should share a draft of the first chapter of a novel I’m currently working on, about a young boy who faces abuse from the people he trusts the most- his family. It is based on true events. The title is as above mentioned.

Please feel free to leave comments and suggestions.

Chapter one – “To the bone”

As he searches for warmth in the depths of his pockets with his diminutive hands, a bitterly cold breeze violently slaps him across the face. The weather has been particularly unforgiving this week, and today is no exception. It’s a damp foggy Thursday morning and The silhouettes of the people walking in front and beside him slowly diminish and disappear into the mist. Young and old bodies strut by trying to catch up to the morning rush

Another one of the wind’s companions gives it a go, blow by blow the winds attack as to taunt him, knowing he doesn’t stand a chance against them. One more surge of cold air pierces straight into his eyes, forcing them shut.
A tear begins to fall down his frozen cheek, followed by another and another, tears start to flow like a flooded river during raining season.
He gives out a heavy sigh that seems to fall out of his mouth and warms up the cold air surrounding his face.

He wipes the tears on his face as quickly as he can and throws his hands back into his thin grey trouser pockets. He clenches his fists to trap the little warmth in his hands preventing it from escaping. It doesn’t help that his school uniform is made from horribly rangy fabric. The hefty sack on his back is not making the journey to school any easier either.

Anyway, it will all be worth it once he gets there. He enjoys school and loves to learn. The classroom is his sanctuary. It helps him forget about all his troubles…

…

“A Letter to My Yesterday”

315 Regret Ave
Lost Angeles, CA 90015
September 5

Dear Yesterday,

I hope this letter finds you well. As well as you can be after what I did to you.

I write you this letter while looking at a lovely photograph of us together at the fair from three summers ago. I don’t have to look too long at this picture to notice the beaming happiness on both our faces. September 26 (a day I will never forget) is the date marked on the back of the photo.

I was wearing a short black pleated skirt with those sneakers that you liked, and you had that classic plain white t-shirt and blue jeans look that I was crazy about.

In one hand I had that pink stuffed teddy bear you won for me after playing three brutal yet hilarious rounds of Whac-A-Mole, and with the other, I held on tightly to your waist. My head was cradled on your chest, and to this day I can still smell your alluring scent.

There was a tenderness in the way you looked at me, and my heart was so full due to the abundance of your pure love.

But that was years ago. A lot has changed since then. I like to go over those times in my mind because they give me a sense of comfort that at least there was a time when I made someone happy. A time when I made you happy.

Lately, though, the thought of you has been keeping me from sleeping. I keep recalling the look on your face as I was leaving. Almost every night I’ve been dreaming about you. Dreaming about us reconciling, but at the end of every dream, I still break your heart.

It is no secret that I have moved on, but have I truly? Have you? Do I ever cross your mind?

Each year when September comes, memories of you flood my mind. A part of me keeps holding on because I still care, I hope you still care.

Old friend, you were like my home. It hurts to think that now you are just someone I used to know.

I know that meeting up with me is not even an option for you. I don’t blame you, because the last time we spoke you told me you loved me, and all I said was nothing. I regret it because now I have so much to say to you.

I apologize for breaking your heart and I hope you are happy now wherever you are, with whomever you are with. I hope she treats you better and makes you throw your head back in laughter like you used to with me.

I don’t know what will happen after this letter reaches you, but just know that the words of our favorite song will always be true. At least to me:

“Whatever we deny or embrace, for worse or for better
We belong, we belong together.”

Sincerely,

Your first love

“You have one new voice message”

A note? Really?!

You didn’t have to stoop so low.
Could have just told me to my face.
Well, I guess you’re just slow.

I loved you for real.
Instead of loving me back,
You just made all my mistakes a big deal.
Endless nagging and whining
In front of friends and family, you always had the worst timing.

Good riddance!
That’s all I can say.
I hope you never come back my way.

I guess we were never meant for each other,
Because we were never good together.

I don’t care if I hurt you, because you hurt me too.
Don’t act all innocent, you know very well that “it takes two.”
I wish you all the best too.
As long as I never hear from you.
Next time someone mentions you,
My response will be “Sasha, who?”

“The note on the Kitchen Counter”

If you’re reading this, it means I’ve already left.

The act is over, no more pretending.
We both knew from the start that we would never have a happy ending.

Loving you doesn’t feel right anymore.
It feels more like a chore.
Believe me when I say you hurt me to my core.

I wish I could say writing this was hard.
But the truth is, all your “love” ever did was leave me scarred.
No love allowed, I am like a wall. All emotions are barred.

I can’t decide what hurt the most, your actions or your words.
But that doesn’t matter anymore
I’m good, regardless of what you thought or heard.

I want to fall in love again, but this time with no regret.
What you and I had is over, I just want to forget.
I’m leaving you, and no, this is not a threat, not a test.
Despite everything though, I wish you all the best.

“What I’m hoping for”

I never knew loneliness until I met you.
I never knew pain until I felt you.
I never knew fear until you looked into my eyes.
I never knew sorrow until you rejected me and never held me when I cried.

I am not asking for too much.
Please don’t judge, or hold a grudge.
I just need a little attention.
That’s why now and then I give you a little nudge,
For you to look at me, just look at me.

Is it that hard for you to express your feelings for me?
If I was different would you treat me differently?
What do I need to change please do tell?
I will do anything, I’ll try to break out of my shell.

I’m tired of fighting for a portion of your heart.
Either you give me your all, or you’ll watch me depart!

What if I meet another
Who will treat me like no other?
With one look, he will know exactly what’s in my heart.
And he will accept and love my every part.

But that’s just what I’m hoping for.

“Disclosure”

Another sleepless night. Wide awake. Days, nights, they all feel the same.
Thinking about the meaning of my name.

“Awaiting something good”
That is the name my mother chose for me.
Something “Good?”
From me?
When will that ever come to be?

Too much pressure on my shoulders.
The expectations are running me over.
Im trapped in this enclosure,
And no passerby stops for even a second to look over,
To help me.
Help me.

My mind…my thoughts
Like dismembered body parts
Of a victim slain by a ruthless killer,
Going around, and around like a windmiller.

How can I be of service if I cannot fulfil my purpose?
Worthless, Worthless!
Why do I even exist?
Someone please show me the exit.

All I hear is her voice
Calling me, inviting me in:
“Cut me down,
Put me away,
End it all.
Let me go into the abyss
Of everlasting peace”