Stories are lit 🌟
A Little Life by Hanya Yanangihara
This novel is forever engraved in my memories. It has changed me for the better, I hope.
Check out my review of this masterpiece, a story that I relate to in so many ways and has inspired me to start writing again.
“I think I like this little life”
Email Six: 27 February 2022, 22:14
(no subject)
I have been thinking about my death and how people around me will just move on after I die.
I feel that I have not influenced their lives enough for them to even miss me. Either that, or I have made their lives a little worse by existing and me “disapearing” will make their lives better.
One will find a better partner and realise that I wasn’t a good choice to begin with. Others will be rid of the burden of a “needy” or “moody” friend or sister. I imagine their conversations about me, how they shared so many bad experiences with me, and how they are loving life now that they don’t have to worry about me anymore. I know I’ll be dead and won’t see it or feel anything, but that thought makes me feel sad and like I am a failer already.
On the other hand, I feel yes, I might not be the perfect friend, sister, or daughter but maybe someone out there thinks I’m the best thing that could happen to them. But I don’t know if I’ll ever meet that person. I also don’t think I deserve that person.
Write a letter to your 100-year-old self.
Dear Self
First of all, I am surprised you made it this far.
Frankly, I doubt that staying alive this long was really your choice. At this age maybe you are incapacitated and maybe some of your requests and wishes have not been respected.
Anyway, if you did choose this, why?
What on earth made you change your mind? Who or what convinced you that life is worth living? Are you satisfied with how things turned out? Did you end up having a good and healthy relationship with someone, and how did you contribute to that relationship?
What do you enjoy doing? Did you find meaningful work or something that you are good at? Did you learn to accept yourself the way you are, or did you succeed in improving yourself?
Are you truly happy?
Email five: 26 February 2022, 00:44
I am so lonely
I’ve never had a problem with being alone growing up, I’ve always had to take care of myself. I don’t know why I feel more alone now than ever before. I feel as if no one understands me.
Am I being too selfish thinking like this?
Email four: 26 January 2022, 09:19
(no subject)
I tried to drink it away
I tried to put one in the air
I tried to dance it away
I tried to change it with my hair
I ran my credit card bill up
Thought a new dress make it better
I tried to work it away
But that just made me even sadder
I tried to keep myself busy
I ran around circles
Think I made myself dizzy
I slept it away, I sexed it away
I read it away
Away, away, away, away, away, away
Away, away, away, away, away
Well, it’s like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds
Yeah, it’s like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds
I tried to run it away
Thought then my head be feeling clearer
I traveled 70 states
Thought moving ’round make me feel better
I tried to let go my lover
Thought if I was alone then maybe I could recover
To write it away or cry it away (don’t you cry, baby)
Away
Away, away, away, away, away
Away, away, away, away, away
But it’s like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds
Yeah, it’s like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds
From the very dawn of my existence
Your velvet blanket covered over me
Shielding me from prying eyes.
Your heart beats along with mine.
We are one.
Your cord of love tethers me to you.
You rein me in to keep me from flying away.
You are my safeguard
You are my snare.
I am attached to you forever.
The produce of your breasts nourishes me
Yet it is also like a poison slowly killing my independence.
Your hands cover my eyes over so that I do not see the calamities of this world
And yet they also blind me from your faults.
You shut my ears to keep me from hearing the voice of reason.
When you cry, I cry.
When you lose, I lose
Yet your victories are yours and yours alone.
Mother, I would kill for you even if that means the life that has to be sacrificed is my own.
Email three : 25 January 2022, 16:11
Hi Dr Jane
Here is something random I just thought about.
In high school, when all the adolescent girls were bringing pocket-sized mirrors to school, I never did. It wasn’t because I wasn’t interested, I really wanted to. It was because I hated my reflection. I even avoided all reflective surfaces like windows. All my friends would take the opportunity to fix themselves on car reflections and glass doors and I would feel so embarrassed when I saw my hideous face next to theirs.
I am still not used to seeing myself in the mirror, and gaining weight hasn’t made things any easier.
Depressed Patient no.55
What is the biggest challenge you will face in the next six months?
Being okay with my personality, my thought process, and my limitations. This has been by far my greatest struggle. I have been “fighting” with myself ever since I could remember and I feel I will still be facing this challenge in the long run.
Email two: 24 January 2022, 23:30
Jane
I don’t know what a loving relationship is supposed to feel like. Maybe my expectations for how our relationship is supposed to be are unrealistic.
But aren’t we supposed to be free to talk to each other about anything? I feel like I can’t be honest with my partner at all. I am afraid he will judge me as he always does.
I want to be myself around Nohim but whenever I do, I get judged or my motives get questioned. I can’t live like this.
Is it possible that choosing to be with this person was a mistake?
Maybe we are not compatible.
It makes me extremely anxious to see him angry or disappointed in me.
To be honest I didn’t get into a relationship with him because I fell in love- I’m still not sure what that feels like- I got with him because I felt like I wasn’t worthy of someone else (someone better). I said to myself; “well, at least someone wants me”
It was a stupid decision, I know. And I regret it especially when I see couples who seem to be “truly in love”.
I feel like I ruined his chance of being happy with someone who would be compatible with him and would make him happy.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I am afraid of being unwanted by others if I decide to leave him.
Please don’t judge me, I already have to deal with that at home.
Depressed Patient no. 55
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